Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
