I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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