I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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