Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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