Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
