people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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