His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My ATM looks so different sober.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
