Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
