If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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