she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
