You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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