You can't special order awesome
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
