Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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