She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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