if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
