she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
