DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
