Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
