Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
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woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
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He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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