I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Come see our sink grown plant.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
