The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
