The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
