I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Couch. On fire.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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