Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
