I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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