wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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