Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just cropdusted the office
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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