got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
