I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Randomize
