Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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