If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Life is so much better after having sex.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
