Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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