Where did you get a picture of my penis
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
