if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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