i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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