he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
