I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I deserve this hangover.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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