you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
