Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
