Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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