Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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