I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
