If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
