I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
