I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
