Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
