there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I am spending my child support on dildos
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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