Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
