That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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