When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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