Well apparently he's into motor boating.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
