Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
