I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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