who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
