It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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