Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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